My Blog

Since I’ve got nothing to do tonight, I would like to spend my time pouring out thoughts again about life, more particularly about my senior life. Well I’m just tired of all the pressures and the fusses and everything that I badly needed a break to be able to rejuvinate myself again.

Honestly speaking, I can say that being a senior truly means a lot of hardships, struggles, both physical and mental distress, tons of responsibilities, and time constraints. It’s really mountaineering that sometimes I feel that I can no longer make it to the top and it also feels like I’m too vulnerable to fall into the crevasse of mistakes. Sometimes, I end up getting depressed due to some unfavorable circumstances that I never did expect to come my way which dramatically tore my heart into pieces of despair.

I really loathe failures but I seem to be a failure myself. Actually, I am myself’s worst critic and I do exaggerate a lot that I end up hurting myself and letting wonderful opportunities slip off my fingers.  Everytime I long for something and work hard for it, I seem to either achieve none or receive trivial or mediocre awards not enough for me to make myself believe that I truly have the potential and that I truly posses what it takes to be a promising person that the future needs. Basically this adds to my dilemma which continuously piles up until I can no longer carry the burden alone anymore.

 I always fail people who are counting a lot on me. Oftentimes, I am not able to meet their expectations which makes me feel guilty and makes me lack self-worth. I think I’ve got no talent at all. Nobody believes in my capabalities except for my family but at least that’s enough consolation for me to feel good about myself somehow.

I live an awe-inspired  life at the moment and I really hate it because it only makes me feel down which makes me belittle myself more and more as each day passes. Oftentimes I find myself dreaming of escaping high school and just go straight ahead to college without completely knowing what really lies ahead. I want to escape basically because I don’t like the environment anymore. Swear it’s really really sordid that I can’t take it any longer. It’s just too much for me to bear and I still have to wait for 6 long months of suffering for me to exit the portals of my school. I wonder why most people say that high school is the most wonderful stage in life when I find it very depressing. I know it is but normal to be in the state of depression and confusion sometimes but what can I do? I’m just emotionaly weak and unstable. I’m still wandering at the jungles of life’s uncertainty that’s why I’m still vulnerable to be lost anytime. Well, I guess I just have to be vigilant all the time.

And so that’s all folks. I know that nobody would read this nonsense but this piece of crap surely helped me release and ease some of the stress, tensions and pressures that I’ve been feeling for a long time now that absolutely has to be released before I find myself breakdown and cry in awe- that would be xoxo pathetic, yikeess!

xOxOxOxOmoi…=)

OVERVIEW: “t’was a mixture of fun,  adventure, independence, and  a surprising revelation that I’ve never expected to be unraveled in an unexpected time and manner had made its way to be known…”

 We left for Tacloban at 1pm in the afternoon last friday and arrived there at 5pm. Our first stop was at the Divine Word (it’s a school). Actually, I didn’t know what we were doing there. All I know was we were only following Chaelle’s mom for she kindly presented herself to accompany us at the convent where we expected to stay for the night out of  Sr. Isabel’s suggestion. She is my classmate’s aunt, who happens to be a Benedictine nun that’s why we thought we were to stay at a convent. She is currently teaching at St. Scho that’s why we rode a tricycle upon going there to meet her. She said that we are to stay at the Bahay Kubo inside the school premises. Well, we already expected some inconveniences ahead because as what the name “Bahay Kubo” suggests, we know already what to anticipate right?

On our great surprise, it turned out to be the complete opposite of what we had expected. It was actually a guesthouse intended for guest speakers, supervisors, and other important visitors of the school. It’s a well-furnished and cozy native house good for 3 persons. It has a cute parlour and  a dining area with a big cupboard complete with dining materials and other kitchen necessities, a refrigerator and an electric fan. Our room has 3 snug beds, a T.V and an airconditioner with a personal bathroom complete with toiletries. 2 closets with hangers, and underneath the T.V is a cabinet containing 2 additional pillows, pillow cases, towels, and blankets. We were like stunned because we were really overjoyed to know that aside from the convenience, our accomodation was totally all for free and we were also thrilled to know that we were to live in a cozy home by ourselves and act like independent grown-ups living in a real world on our own.

Right after Sister Isabel left us, we went straight downtown to take out our dinner and buy some chips at the supermarket to be nibbled at night and our needs for tomorrow’s test as well. Right after dinner we took our evening baths and dressed ourselves up for sleep and watched T.V even if we were told to sleep early. True to Sr. Isabel’s word, she returned with 2 other nuns to visit us which turned out to be some kind of an interview. I really liked the way we were treated by them. They were so kind and we really felt most welcome. They really inspired me to become one of them, seriously. We decided to sleep early which absolutely is not according to plan since we were ashamed to disobey them and so we slept early.

The alarm clock read 4 AM and nobody went to the C.R since we were still sleepy that time. When I woke up, the clock read quarter to 5 so I took the shower first and swear it was really chilly but it was so refreshing. After all of us had dressed up for the test about 6AM, we spent our time waiting by watching a horror film. By 6:30 sharp, our breakfast was served and by 7AM we left for Holy Infant College where we were about to take the test. Sr. Isabel accompanied us again and shocks it was really nerve-shaking when we saw the other examinees.

A few examinees are just regular juans like me but most of the others had good-looking faces who undeniably came from the upper class and I never expected that he would be one of them. Well, I had a hunch or some little imagination that we were going to meet there but I didn’t know that I would discover something horrible enough to tear me apart.

 And that worst thing that I’ve discovered was: ” He’s GAY… totally, absolutely, and terribly a certified faggot!” 

     I tried not to believe that that guy was really him but as I tried to examine his appearance, I came to realize that no matter how hard I try not to believe on what I was seeing, it was undoubtly Him. Though there were some physical differences but the extraordinary similarities couldn’t just be plain coincidences. Who would ever believe that a man who acted virile would be gay? I was really distracted but honestly speaking, I pretty much lose all hopes I had in heart. It was an unexpected and shocking revelation, isn’t it? Life is indeed a topsy-turvy game. You’ll never know when it will play games with you and you’ll never know what great surprises it has instored for you to be revealed in either the most perfect or worst timing of your life. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

About the test, it was less difficult compared  to UPCAT. I was able to review and answer some questions which I’ve left behind. At that time at last, the reviewers were of great help. I thought that they would never be useful anymore after the brain-racking UPCAT since those were not able to help us during that test. The atmosphere was much better and was way nicer. I still can’t forget what I brought with me during the test-a mineral water and an oreo. I don’t know why it left an unforgetable memory in me. Maybe I’m just too sentimental about everything. I really hated our male proctor because he cut half the time to the actual time alloted for each test which added to the pressure. There was also an essay writing in the english proficiency test that I actually did not  expect to be part of the exam but thank God I was able to handle it. I used some thoughts from my article for the school paper plus some quotes from the recent book that I have just read from Paulo Coelho which proved to be a great help to me in that essay test.

Whether I would pass the exam or not (I’m having this feeling that I can’t make it), it would still be okay for me because it was a priceless experience that I would always carry along with me for the rest of my life. Though it would be humiliating for me and my ego if I would fail, I know that God knows what’s best for me so may His will be done and hopefully, I would abide with His decision even if it would be against my will or not.

Last September 6-7 (Last Saturday and Sunday), we had our kasangga retreat held at INHS Inopacan Leyte. Actually, I arrived there a little late already since last saturday was also our Intramurals closing ceremony so I did exit the programme as early as I could so that I will be able to catch up with the retreat earlier as possible. The travel time from my school to Inopacan is two and a half-hours so it was really inevitable for me to be late. But anyway praise God because I arrived there safe and sound though it was raining hard that time but no problem again since I’ve got an umbrella with me.

At first, I was kind’a scared to attend the retreat because I was going there all by myself since all the rest of my company were already there at the venue. Well I was left with no choice so I really have to venture out on my own in that place wherein I’m not so familiar with. I even got lost that’s why my fare was doubled. When I finally found the place that I was looking for, I was so shocked to see the path leading to the school atop is very steep and take note, it was raining hard that time so the pathway was slippery. I even choked the hell out of me for I didn’t expect that the school is located on a hill.

When I reached the school, I took all the bashfulness I felt deep within me and went bravely inside. Fortunately, I saw tita Hera on her office and she led me to the room where all the others were. It was all different than what I already had in mind. The venue, the people, and everything had pretty much disappointed me for they were a total opposite of what I had anticipated but t’was still okay. I was able to meet new friends there, got closer with some old faces I already knew but not that close with them before, eat slight than usual, jam to the max, worshiped God, and learned some from our speakers’ talks.

 As expected, the fuss and the husle  are to be experienced. The place was really cold and blankets were just not enough to keep our bodies warm. We were all shivering like chickens the following morning due to the freezing temperature. It was still raining cats and dogs yesterday (Sunday) morning but it didn’t stop us to enjoy, listen, and absorb what the speakers are talking about. Afterall, the talks were substantial and conducive for everyone of us to be better leaders of the youth and in the community where we belong. The event was one hell of a gregarious one but still not forgetting the need to balance its spiritual counterpart. Actually, this retreat was meant for the leaders but the members were also welcomed to join. Infact, I thought I was just a mere member that’s why I felt unworthy to come but if it wasn’t for that retreat, I would have not known that I’m the household head of our community. I realized that it was not just an accident why I was able to attend the Kasannga but it was God’s will in the first place that enabled me to be there for He wanted me to be aware of what He desired me to do and for me to realize my responsiblity of serving Him. It was an eye opener for me to comprehend my purpose in joining Youth For Christ. Absolutely not just for fun, for meeting new people, for socialization, for exposure, and for adventure but for having a sense of accountability of either the mislead or guided youth for each and everyone of us is our brother’s keeper. The fun and the wacky adventures that I or we experience as Youth for Christs are just bonuses from God for us to feel that eventhough we are serving Him, He still sees to it that we are still able to enjoy what it means to be young. Though there were many roadblocks and potholes along the way, I have definitely no regrets for through those trials I was able to define what happiness and being a pure-blooded leader truly means. Well, I would be pleased in applying those that I’ve learned as soon as possible for His greater honor and glory.

 On the flipped side of the coin which is my other purpose in going there, I really don’t know what to say. Afterall, I’ve realized how much a fool I have become and how much stupid I am to believe all those signs. How much I’ve anticipated and how much I’ve prepared. How badly depressed I am right now and how much I have been deceived by my own self. Well, I’m here back to the basics. Back to being less enthusiastic, less motivated, less inspired, less optimistic about love, less self esteem, and less secured. As a whole, he made a hell of a less in me. But anyway, it’s still okay. At least I’ve learned now my lesson and I promise not to repeat the same mistake all over again. For being too much assuming and hopeful of the impossible. But can I be blamed when all that I did was believe from all the signs that I had asked from the heavens that all of a sudden had worked ?  Was I too hopeful and too idealistic? From now on, I will never, ever believe in signs again because I myself, have proved it to be just a hoax and a crap. It did trick me for quite some time and made me believe into things that are more of a fantasy whatever. I learned my lesson and I will always bear that in mind. The next time I’ll see him around, I will try to come to my senses whenever I feel like hooked up again into the foolishness of my wild imagination. Well I don’t even think that I’m going to see him again but now, I just don’t care because I had already lost pretty much of my interest on him. I know it’s not just a simple coincidence that I was able to be there inspite of my tight schedule but if there is something positive that is going around, he’s supposed to be there but he didn’t. Maybe, he’s not just worthy at all.  But anyway I’m getting the point, this might be God’s way of telling me to wake up for he is not the right person for me. But if he really is not, then why did he permit all of those signs to work? Well, I don’t also know the answer to my own question but I know that in time, I’ll fully understand what He really intended to do with my life.