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Before I entered college, I took quite a number of tests that would enable me to know which course would fit me best (including the NCAE) and guess what the result was: Communication Arts! I wasn’t really surprised with it because ever since I can remember, all my interests and skills are all English-inclined so that was not a problem with me. I was just confused back then regarding what course I would take up that’s why I made my parents decide for me not knowing that I was making the greatest mistake of my life!

I don’t know why I’m acting like this. As in all of a sudden, I just feel like I’ve fallen for someone again. I’m not yet sure about this but the “butterflies on the stomach” feeling is back one more time. I don’t know if there is a possibility/ connection or something but I already restricted myself from falling hard coz I might hit the ground dead. I already had a series of hapless love aspirations before that went nowhere but hurt, degradation, and humiliation. From then on I swore to be strong and never let that stupid feeling fool me again. I want to be free of secrets, please!

Now, I feel like I’m in a complete loss and I don’t even know why.I look like I just came from a break up. Well, I’ve never been in a relationship before but I don’t know how I had the courage to speak of all these things which I don’t have any experience yet. Now, I just want to stay and accompany my self with lonesome songs. The gloomy and rainy picture outside makes my situation even more melancholic. Oh boy!

I know that I’m not supposed to feel this way but I can’t understand why I feel like something important is detached from me- like a piece of my heart and life was taken away. There’s something inside that says I must not fall again because it’s not right. Oh well, there’s nothing wrong actually with falling for this guy but I feel the deep need of this emotion to be stopped right away. Please! I already had enough of the heartaches and heartbreaks. I just don’t want to get hurt again. I already lost all the trust that I could give on men.

In the past sixteen years of my life, I traveled quite a many different roads that a standard human being needs to pass through.  In those roads, I’ve experienced what life has to offer- a mixture of any human emotion possible except for apathy. In one road I have experienced happiness, in the other one, sadness, and so on and so fur.  But most importantly, in every end of those roads under any circumstance I have learned something useful which can help me be better to avoid repeating the same mistakes all over and over again.  

 All of us are designed by God to be imperfect. By being imperfect, we fall into mistakes, experience failure, and and taste the lemons of life. Conspicuously mistakes, failures, and frustrations can hurt an individual so badly that the soul is moved by the pain. Because of the unbearable hurting feeling that is felt, humans tend to develop a mature outlook of that certain circumstance to be able to avoid getting hurt that bad again. In short, we need to experience a mistake once to avoid future related -problems. As a popular quoatation says, “One is not enough but two is too much”.  However, it depends upon the person whether he’d apply the lesson he’d learned from that mistake, it’s his choice.

1. BE HONEST- By being honest, I need not to worry about anything because I know that I am in the right track and nothing could possibly go wrong cuz I know exactly where I stand. There would be no complications cuz I show people what is real about me.

2. DON’T JUST SAY IT, MEAN IT- if I’m going to utter something that challenges me, I’ve got to make them real cuz I know that in time, it can get me real far.  I realize I must not  leave everything to chances cuz I know that I have the power to shape my destiny. Challenging myself and dropping all of my fears would be hard but these can make me be the person that I want to be.  ”Some people are not destined to be succesful but they are so determined that victory is theirs”.

 3. DON’T BE STUPID/ BE PRUDENT- sometimes, I act the opposite of what I’m thinking which makes me look well, stupid. I guess I have to be watchful of my actions, think first and weigh things before doing anything.

4. DON’T SHOW YOUR FEELINGS TO YOUR CRUSH- this might  sound so lame but this learning helped me a lot on my second try in love…lol. Emotions were very deceiving that I  misinterpreted the things that he was doing- wrong expectations can lead to depression. And besides, please… General Knowledge na that boys tend to take advantage on girls once they know that girls got feelings for them. And they also got a very advanced thinking once you’ve shown them even the slightest act of infatuation in the world. Believe me, cuz I’ve been there.

5. DON’T TRUST JUST ANYBODY - I realized that I must know first what kind of person whom I am going to confide in my secret. I might get shock the next day that the whole campus is talking about the latest news in town - my pathetic little  secret.

6. DON’T TRUST BOYS IN A RUSH- Boys don’t usually mean what they say so I guess it is important to use the head than to let the heart be lulled by false flaterry.  I, then, must  have to be keen in observing a guy. In time I’ll know what kind of person he really is . Sometimes boys only make a fool out of girls so I must not be get carried away by them. 

7. ALWAYS BE TRUE- I must show people who I really am cuz matter what I’ll do, there will always be people who will throw negative remarks about me. So I guess it’s better to be true always than pretend to be somebody I’m not. Either way I will still receive negative remarks from other people. I can’t please everybody, accept my imperfections cuz you also are imperfect- just like me.

8. SPEAK YOUR MIND- I am going to voice out what I’ve got to say. It’ the only way that other people would know the needs of other people that has got to be heard and be attended to.

There are still a lot of roads for me to pass through. As of now, these are the major lessons that I’ve learned throughout my 16 years journey in life.

Last March 20, 2009 (Friday),  was a day full of mixed emotions combined with liters of tears and laughter. Finally, the long sleepless nights of arduous work and pressure had culminated.Before I get in to the drama, I would like to narrate first my series of unfortunate events during that special day.

We, the graduates, were expected at the High School grounds at 3:30 PM for the processional march going to the covered court and we have to be there early or else…(If u know what I mean) Our processional march was said to be a dramatic one- a momentous one but unluckily for me, I didn’t feel that ”glorious/ dramatic feeling” because I was “almost” late. Instead, I felt terrified and bad tripped. I was half prepared then that was why my pic was taken with my grad. cap not properly fitted and everytime I look at that picture, I feel so disgusted. Second, I didn’t like my hairdo that day but what else can I do? I got short of time that was why there was no way for me to change it .Third, I didn’t like my graduation shoes because they didn’t fit me well and the heels where not that high. I liked my first bought pair of shoes but unfortunately, they were so tight on my feet that they swell. Therefore, I’ve settled on the second best. After the mass, we (the graduates) marched again towards the high school grounds for a 15-minute break. I signaled my parents to go there because I wanted to have my pictures taken with my classmates and friends in toga but they didn’t come. I was really furious that time because I knew that that would be the “last” opportunity for me to have our pictures taken with everybody and they just blew it. Well, I guess there was no one to blame but me because I haven’t told my parents what they were expected to do because I didn’t know how to tell it to them or I think I was just too lazy to tell them what to do. My bad- again. To make matters worse, my corsage got lost! Thank God ninang was there to find me another corsage or else I would have gotten crazy! During our processional march way back to GCC for the graduation rites, I finally felt the “dramatic feeling”…c; Unfortunately, my ate didn’t capture the perfect shot! I was fuming again but as I thought things over, I realized that I still have to be thankful because someone was there to support me. 

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My eyes were teary during our processional march as I listened to the beat of the accompaniment. It was so solemn- so breathtaking! Everyone’s eyes were on us. Cameras and videocams were focused on us as we passed our way through. It was indeed our night! When the time came for me to receive my diploma, I beamed with pride and joy because finally- I’ve made it! My 4 years of hardwork in high school has been finally paid off. Those 4 years of struggle were actually not easy. I had faced a lot of difficulties in so many aspects. I felt vulnerability in every way but I have chosen to be bold because if I had let my weaknesses get in the way- I wouldn’ t have graduated. I’m proud to say that I’ve learned a lot here in high school. I’ve learned to be self-reliant and to be brave. I’ve learned to stand on my own and not to depend always on my parents. I’ve learned how to take risks and make failures work for me. Most of all, I’ve realized that someday my dearest friends and I must part our own separate ways to widen more our horizons in life and grow more- and that day was last March 20. I thought I have prepared myself already but still I’ve found myself weak. Deep inside me, I’m still longing for another class day, another day to feel what it feels like being a high school student again- so carefree of the world and so full of high spirits but sad to say I’m no longer a high school student anymore. What truly is great in high school is the experience! And the experience explains it all.

My diploma surely is a testament to all of the sacrifices I’ve made and everything that I’ve done just to get myself this far. It was glorious and it was a milestone! I hope I have made my parents proud and  well I’m sure they are. It was so inevitable for me to cry because I’m extremely emotional. As Saffy was reading her valedictory speech, I was silently crying in my seat and carefully wiping my tears. When we pledged our loyalty to the school and sang our graduation song, I was crying hard- it was awful. When my parents and I finally met, I had a downpour of emotions. I cried a lot. It really was a dramatic night!

It’s still awkward for me to think that I’m no longer a high school student anymore. The thought of being in college is still a nightmare for me whenever I think of it. However, no matter how much fear and doubt I feel inside, I know I have to discern more about my future because it is there where I am going- not backwards. I just hope to find myself in a place where I’m supposed to be. A place where I can widen more my horizons and gain more knowledge that will enable me to conquer future difficulties ahead. There is still a long and winding road waiting for me and I’m hoping that I would pass that road safely and victoriously.

 To the batch 2009, May every wish and dream within our hearts come true. God bless us all!

He’s always on my mind. From the time i wake up ’till i close my eyes, he’s everywhere I go. He’s all I know… I know this sounds crazy but this song has always been repeating and repeating in my mind for eternity- my current last song syndrome (whatever!). 

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I can barely understand anything because I’m always thinking of someone else from time to time- from day ’till midnight. Though this “latest” insanity is tiring me a little- it just feels so right because it somehow gives me a cheerful perspective of just about everything else. It gives me the feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time. It is something wonderful that has brought me back to life.

 Each thought of tomorrow brings an unexplainable excitement that makes it hard for me to sleep through the night. And when daylight breaks through the darkness, a curl on my lips welcomes the start of the day with my thoughts on him- again. 

His every smile and every glance make my heart smile in silence and though I badly wanted to share how much happiness I feel inside- I can’t because I don’t want to lose this solitary happiness that only I, and no one else in the world can fathom. A mystery that only I can answer. 

Emotions are quite deceiving. I’ve learned my lesson well and I’ll never repeat the same mistake I’ve done before- never again. I know this feeling of mine is ephemeral. It is short-lived, it is never long-lasting. I never believe that true love exists in my age because for me true love takes a lot of time to grow and develop. It doesn’t just come in a moment but rather it comes the other way around. I’m only experiencing an exagerrated infatuation which is normal for teenagers like me- that’s all. I’m just exploring my emotions and I know that I’m safe because I’m not taking this seriously and I’m not showing him what I feel. Two months to go and we’ll part our ways through our different destinations in life and for sure it would take years for us to see each other again, but a lot of changes can happen in a lapse of time that long. As of now I treat him as my source of inspiration to get better each passing day. A vibrant ray of sunlight to brighten me up ’till the last days that we can possibly see each other.

I’m only here to enjoy the few remaining moments of my high school life and I won’t let anyone or even myself destroy it by spilling precious secrets that I would surely regret that can ruin my life for good.

Only heaven knows how much I care about him. Though he doesn’t care for me in the same way that I do- I don’t mind because I’m not asking anything from him in return. This precious little secret would be kept on the very depths of my heart forever and will be cherished as long as I live. I’m just waiting in  silence of what’s to come through the last remaining days of march.

A few moments of silence is enough and now I have to set my soul free. I really need to breathe.  

I hate myself because I know a lot of ways to feel bad but less ways to feel better. I can’t still accept the fact that there will always be turning points in life that no matter how hard I try to do away with them, I will always cross paths with. I feel so guilty, because I only remember GOD in times of crisis, but when I had everything that I wanted, I never cared to call Him. Maybe I was just so confident. So sure of the uncertain. I wan’t really prepared for this. I know that this really is a form of sourgrapping but I just thought that maybe God has other plans for me. Who knows? But as of now, I think that I’m done with hoping because hoping alone is not enough. Hoping alone- it’s over. Maybe this time, I’ll compliment hope with WORK.

A new year has just begun but it’s still very inevitable for me to start fresh at all. Though I want to feel like starting a new life again-as in without any past and liabilities, I just have to embrace the fact that it’s not possible because whether I like it or not, there will always be scars from the past that will always be hunting me forever. 

A realization dawned on me that no matter how hard I try to erase all of the remnants of the unhappy moments of the previous year, I just can’t do it because they are all part of me now.  It’s a reality that I can’t escape and  sometimes baffles me to move forward however, I hope that I can do something about it. Think think think…

I can’t please everybody. I have my strengths but I also have my limits- please respect. I really hate it when I don’t meet everybody’s expectations and when people begin on blaming me for their dissatisfaction when in fact they don’t know everything. If I could only spell “pressure” in their faces, they would see it ain’t a piece of cake at all. I hope I can make them realize that.

I’m imperfectly perfect just like anybody else but I know I can shine in my brightest if I’m really determined. Sloth attacks me daily that it sometimes blurs my vision of the future but when an eye opener takes place, I straighten all the crooked ways that I’ve been drivin’ for a long time. Optimistically, I will try to do things more responsibly governed with conscientiousness and prudence.

 No matter how I try to change the system of my life, I just can’t because that’s how I live my life. Though I know I also have my shortcoming, nabuhay na ako ng ganyan but hopefully I’ll try to be a better person who acts accordingly to her age.

As a whole, there are no promises for me. My only resolution is to “try” because for me, it’s the safest word that I could utter lest I can’t make my promises real.

As I was browsing through the fs bulletin this morning, I almost choked over my coffee upon reading an announcement about the PH version of twilight-TAKIPSILIM. I was so outraged upon knowing this because the people behind this lunatic idea have made the Filipino image as a great laughing stock again. They  have proven to the world again how good Filipinos are at plagiarism making us “all” look cheap and trying hard copycats even though some of us aren’t. I mean why couldn’t they just make another fresh concept for a good movie? Why still imitate the idea of another when it had already been seen by the people? So they think it would boom- for me of course, it wouldn’t. Why would people want to see what had been seen? The people behind this moronic whimsy are not only embasrrasing the FILIPINO race by their cheesy and trying hard re-makes but are also disgracing the high norms of a quality movie. This TAKIPSILIM movie is indeed the newest in the line of Philippine re-makes that had proven to be unsuccessful, nonsensical and hilarious to the eyes of men.  Can’t they see the point that there are just factors in foreign films that just don’t suit our culture and beliefs that if immitated would sound cheesy and TH-copied obviously resulting to another catastrophe?

 I believe we Filipinos are talented and creative in our own ways but by imitating the Twilight film- I just don’t see the true Filipino talent. Somewhere somehow, I know that there still a lot of brilliant juans left undiscovered that if given the chance to shine would surely make a great difference not just in the movie industry but in general- meaning all fields will be covered. It’s just so disheartening to hear that we Filipinos are known globally not because of our rich values but because of our being great imitators of a myriad of things that proved us to be low quality, inefficient, and incompetent. Plagiarism definitely makes us least than who we really are that is why there is a need for it to be stopped-as soon as possible.

We celebrated our Christmas Party yesterday and it went out so well that all of us didn’t want to leave the dance floor yet…

 It started with a mass presided by Bishop Cantillas-the school president, at the Gunfrida Covered Court then followed by the Christmas Extravaganza where loads of presentations were rendered. The place was filled with wild roars of cheers and laughter that made the atmosphere so warm and cheerful.

The exchanging of gifts took place right after we had our dinner and everybody seemed to be satisfied and grateful for what they had received. When the disco started, the dancefloor never ceased to have people dancing over it. The night was filled with noises from people jamming around with friends, scintillating christmas lights hanging on the magnificent acasia tree which made the place comfortably romantic, blinding paparazzi lights, and daring dance moves that heated up the flow of the party. My family, the 4-Aqua section, were the last people to leave the dancefloor. United we danced wildly like no other and felt like we own the dance floor. We took our class picture at the stage with plastered genuine and warm smiles on our faces.  Well I guess that’s just how close we are. We treat each other as our own brothers and sisters and share both jubilations and sufferings as one. We ended the night by saying our Christmas greetings to all of our classmates with hugs and kisses.

Thought the party was over? Nuh-uh!!! There was still a Part 2. My closest peers and I- Grace Ann, Ev, Rielle, Adame, Mamu Reg, Thea, Mia, Aliel, Darryl, and Leli had our sleepover party at Thea’s place right after our Christmas party. We brought food to celebrate and chitchatted ’till 1 AM at the rooftop. We weren’t able to go to sleep directly because we kept on talking and talking with one another. We woke up at 3 AM to hear the simbang gabi at the chapel but returned to sleep again after the mass. We woke up at 8 AM then we had our breakfast then talked and talked again then after 48 years- we decided to hit home and said our holiday greetings with each other.

We made a lot of sweet and funny memories that night. All I can remember are pure fun, laughter, and cheers of good luck to everybody. Anyway Thea’s mom had been always been hospitable to us. I really appreciate her kindness and I really like the way she jammed with us. She’s got to be the coolest mom I’ve ever met!

That was actually my most memorable get together with my classmates and I, for sure will treasure it with me ’till eternity no matter what.

4-AQUA ROCKS!!!…c;

Among all the places that I’ve visited all over the the Philippines, Boracay definitely is the best tourist destination ever! For those extroverts like me, I’m pretty sure they would like it there. Though the trip was very exhausting, it was all worth it.

The warmth of the sun, the people around, and the night life truly were lots’a fun. The super fine and white sand felt relaxing on the feet that walking barefoot even felt comfy than wearing flipflops. The beach truly is naturally magnificent. In the early morning, the water felt cool in the skin while the fresh and morning air felt therapeutic-like a stress reliever. Unfortunately, I was not able to dip myself into the beach because of my stupid monthly period—of all the days?..ugghh!!! 

In the early mornings (as early as 5:30AM) , I strolled along the coastline with my little brother and mom. After strolling, I remained and sat for a while and read a good book. That’s how I started my day there and it did help me forget all the problems I left behind at school.

I also enjoyed watching the sun set beautifully on the horizon daily and as dusk starts to set in, people also get busy in putting up their stalls and food on the beach. All the tables of different restaurants have candles to serve as an illumination all over the place which provided a romantic and warm ambiance inspite of the cold hushes of the evening wind.

Business is everywhere all over the place, there are a lot of souvenir shops, bars, spas, hotels and restaurants of course, accesories shops, stores for swim wears, convenience stores, and a little dept. store. A lot of different people offer tourists various adventures like parasailing, diving, island hopping, kayaking, fly fishing, buffet dinners, hair braiding, massage and etc.—yung iba sobrang kulit!!!

My brother and I tried the ferris wheel at D’mall, it was okay but I didn’t enjoy the ride. There was also the d’wall but I didn’t have any plans of trying it. Foreigners were the usual tourists- dominantly a mixture of americans and koreans. There is also the freedom of what kind of dress you want to wear.  You don’t have to get conscious of what kind of dress you’ll wear ‘coz people don’t really care that’s why the shorter and vulgar, the better-hihihihi jowk***- gumana talaga ang pagka immoral ko ‘dun…hihihi…c;

 I took a lot of pictures because I want a lot of memories printed rather than kept in mind-just in case I forgot. I’m just hoping that someday, I would return there and party more than ever. Goodbye for now but hopefully, I shall return.